A vulnerable moment of truth that I feel has been prompted while I am in the midst of reading two books, “The Power of right believing”- Joseph Prince & “Save me from myself” – Brian Head Welch

Lately I have been preoccupied with self.  Self criticism, self doubt, self loathing, self focus, and so on… This in itself causes me to feel even more ashamed and self berating.  I know the truth.  Instead of focusing on myself, look up.  I know that is what changes everything.  I know that is what brings me through and cleans me inside of those nasty lies and manipulations from the evil one.  But, lately I have not been turning my eyes towards Heaven and that is always when I fall to prey to temptations.  So after listening to a bit of a book that I am currently enjoying I had to literally stop what I was doing to write, and shed the light on the truth, so that darkness may not linger.

My recent struggles with health have caused me to be so completely selfish.  Unfocused on the Lord and his amazing grace.  I probably sound extremely vain, and I find that each time I actually think about how I’ve been viewing myself and my own health and body struggle, it disgusts me.  As Paul says in Romans “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

I need prayer for this has been a failure on my part to not only love my Lord but love others, because I am too focused on myself.  I hate that.

Sometimes I think about how people think that knowing God is supposed to make us act better, but in fact I think it brings us to knowledge of how we are acting and how it is neither good for us nor others.  It also makes me realize that we are so easily self focused that it is a daily effort to lay down my own self, and turn towards him.  As a believer in the bible Jesus and not the religious one I know that he is why I can be imperfect and yet still have hope and assurance of his love.

I spend too much time thinking about what I am dealing with, and how it is affecting me; “I cannot do my job properly,

I am unable to be a good mother,

I am failing my husband,

Why can’t I just push through this?”

But then I look and listen and realize all I am doing is say I, I, I…..

Why not me?  I have never had health struggles a day in my life.  Why not me?  I have never had to stick to it, when I wanted to quit. Why shouldn’t I have to stick to it? I have judged so many, on their inability to just suffer through and yet I have never had to.  Why not me, and why not now? Yes I have had a hard childhood, and a hard youth, but it only made me stronger today and able to push harder against adversity.  So there is no reason I should not be given an even greater opportunity to love the Lord through times of even more personal struggle.  Every struggle I’ve endured has been external or self inflicted.  Why shouldn’t I too be given even bodily struggle as Job.  Our american life and culture does not know many things about true life and death struggle and survival the way many others in the world who love the Lord do.  Most of our struggles are emotional and in tangible worries, stress, and inconveniences.  So why? When I have only asked for God to give me opportunities to be better, and asked for ways to grow in my understanding, should I not now be given a challenge to answer those prayers?  I want to grow in my abilities as a mother, as a wife and in my relationship with Jesus.  I want to have understanding of the truth and wisdom.

On another note: this last week during a bible study I attend irregularly, we covered Josh 24:15-24 to sum it up in my own words and understanding that day Joshua is telling the Israelites that they are to far gone and sinful to receive God’s forgiveness, and in my opinion he was challenging them to prove that they were willing give up the gods they had worshiped and the ways they were living.  I realized that this is a great situation to challenge me to give up my self love, die to myself and serve only him.  I struggle with trusting God.  I know the truth, and I believe it one hundred percent with out any doubt, but I still struggle with trusting God.  But Joshua says “you are not able to serve the Lord.  He is a holy God; he is a jealous God. He will not forgive your rebellion and your sins.” This is so not the God Jesus teaches of, this is not the God that I’ve known, but for some reason this is the God I tend to see sometimes when I look at him because of my own selfish self loathing.  Like I said before, I can relate to Paul, I hate with I do.  I believe wrong and struggle to let him have everything all the time.  And then I feel horrid for it, and the evil one uses that against me to torture my thoughts.

I know its expected to have struggles, and yet because I know that God has won the war, I go back and forth between the truth and looking toward and focus on him, and focus on myself and allowing my mind to battle with the evil one.  I have for many years of my life had a very strong spiritual warfare surrounding me, and for some reason God has given me sight to see it sometimes.  He has allowed me to see the unseen and sense or feel angelic presence and even see demonic tormentors.  I have had to fight with scripture and prayer in multiple occurrences similar to the type of battles that occur in the book“This present darkness.”  I have verbally resisted and they have fled quickly and I have also had difficult battles that lasted, and seemed very frightening.  I have had vivid dreams all my life and unfortunately they have always been unpleasant to say the least.  Most days I have a quite positive attitude and joy that I am very thankful for especially because I know that is best for my family.  However there are times and days or nights when I have gone through severe depression and mental spiritual warfare that has consumed all my energy.   I believe that lately my poor health has only fueled those occurrences and made them even more prevalent. This is the confession that I must make in order to bring the sin of my wrong thinking into the light of love so that it cannot continue to have a strong hold on my and also to ask for prayer from the body of my sisters and brothers.

Please do not judge or leave shrink me comments in reply, but  if you feel the desire to help please pray for me.  Thank you.

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